


On Her Terms

by previouslyonavatar



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-08
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-13 16:31:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4529091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/previouslyonavatar/pseuds/previouslyonavatar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mai lost Zuko three times in her life. She'll make sure the last time is on her own terms, and no one else's.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Azula sometimes liked to play a game where she invited both Mai and Ty Lee over, but only ever paid attention to one of them. Mai was never quite sure what the purpose of this 'game' was but she assumed it was probably some kind of test, of their loyalty perhaps. More often than not, Mai was the one who faced Azula's neglect. She suspected it was hard for even Azula to bear Ty Lee’s tearful expression when she got pushed aside for others, and Mai supposed her own indifference probably posed more of a challenge anyway.

Despite Azula's variable temperament, Mai knew she was lucky to be so close to the princess. Even if she hadn’t known, her mother reminded her of this fact daily. She had been so full of joy the first time Mai had been invited over to the royal palace, talking for hours on end about the wonders this would do for her father’s political career. Most of the excitement Mai had felt at the idea had vanished with the weight of this responsibility, the instructions her mother had drilled into her head had going through her head for the entire visit.

Sitting in the shade of a tree, lost in memories, Mai didn’t notice Zuko approach until he was standing right in front of her. Only years of practice at keeping her face neutral stopped her from embarrassing herself with some absurd, startled facial expression. Unfortunately, she did feel her cheeks heat up slightly, she could only hope he’d write it off as an effect of the temperature.

Zuko was the main reason Mai still anticipated coming to the palace almost as much as she had the first time, she had harbored feelings for him from the first time she had seen him, and it had only gotten worse over time.

“Why are you here by yourself?” Zuko asked, tilting his head to the side slightly. “Where’s Azula?”

Mai shrugged, suddenly wondering if the ribbons in her hair made her look childish, and wishing she had worn a different dress. It took her a moment to find her voice, and when she finally spoke, she couldn't quite bring herself to meet his eyes. “Off somewhere in the palace with Ty Lee. When she wants me to join them again she’ll let me know, I suppose.” Mai swallowed nervously, hardly able to believe Zuko was here with her. Usually, when Azula left her to her own devices for a while, Mai would go looking for him. Not to approach him of course, but simply to see him. The others had teased Mai about it the few times they’d caught her but she couldn’t help herself, she liked watching him reading, or practicing his firebending, he was so serious and dedicated to everything he did. And now _he was approaching _her, and Mai had no idea how to react.__

__Zuko frowned and sat down across from her, and Mai found her eyes drawn to his fingers absentmindedly stroking the grass. “What? That’s mean.” He scowled. “Y'know, sometimes I wonder why you’re even her friend, you’re not like her.”_ _

__Mai started slightly at this and felt the the heat in her cheeks increase. “I’m honored the princess enjoys my company.” She said, but she could tell her voice sounded even less convincing than usual. No matter how much Mai tried to pretend it didn’t bother her, being ignored like this hurt. A part of her felt like Zuko would understand, he was often by himself too. She had often wondered why Azula didn’t play with her brother much, but had never dared to ask._ _

__“I could keep you company while you wait.” Zuko said, looking almost shy as he spoke, and Mai’s heart started pounding in her chest. This was exactly what she had wanted since the moment she had seen the young prince, wasn’t it? Hadn’t she secretly hoped he would spot her one day and ask her to join him? Suddenly, she wasn’t sure. If he spent time with her, he could realize that she wasn’t interesting or fun like other girls he probably knew. Mai knew she wasn’t an easy person to befriend. Even Azula had only approached her for her talent at throwing knives, but somehow she didn’t think she could pull them out now to impress Prince Zuko._ _

__Before she could change her mind, Mai forced herself to nod. “If you want.” She said, fighting to keep her voice indifferent. It wouldn’t do to lose her composure now, her mother would be most unhappy if she heard Mai acted like a giggling schoolgirl around the prince. She usually found it easy to push her emotions down, so no one could see them on her face, but looking at the small, shy smile on the prince’s face made her unsure if she could keep it up._ _

__Mai felt as though the rest of the afternoon passed by in a blur. Zuko told her stories his uncle had told him and showed her some moves with his knife. His movements were clumsy, he wasn’t nearly as smooth and graceful as Mai herself was with her blades, but it didn’t matter to her. She was actually having fun watching him, occasionally giving him some pointers. It didn’t take long at all for her to forget completely about keeping her emotions in check. Just being around him made her feel more at ease than anything had in a long time._ _

__When Azula finally turned up again with a giggling Ty Lee in tow, Mai struggled to hide her disappointment. As she got up to join her friends, Zuko placed his hand on her arm._ _

__“Next time you have some time, maybe we could, uh, talk again.” He said, looking faintly embarrassed with a light blush on his cheeks, which Mai felt was most likely no match for her own._ _

__Mai couldn’t help it, she smiled. “Of course, Prince Zuko.” She said, as butterflies danced in her stomach. “I would enjoy that.”_ _

__With that, Mai turned and walked to her waiting friends. There was more she would have liked to say, but not with Azula there to witness it. Her smile was long gone by the time she joined her friends, replaced by the familiar mask of indifference._ _

__\---_ _

__In the weeks that followed, Mai shared more moments alone with the prince. The more time she spent with him, the more she started to like him. There were times, when their hands brushed together, or their eyes locked for a little too long, that Mai even dared to hope that he might feel the same way._ _

__Those hopes were confirmed one sunny afternoon, under the very same tree where they’d had their first real conversation. In a moment of bravery, Mai had dared to slip a gift into Zuko’s hand. The moment she did it, she feared it was a mistake. Giving the boy you like a rock, even if it was vaguely shaped like a heart, must be one of the silliest things a girl could do. Before she could say it was just a joke or try to pass it off as an accident, Zuko had leaned close and Mai felt her heart skip a beat as their lips met. It was a soft kiss, his lips brushed against hers so gently that she barely felt them. Subconsciously, she leaned in slightly, closing her eyes._ _

__The kiss only lasted a moment but it made Mai's lips tingle. They shared a silent, nervous gaze, both afraid to ruin the moment with words. Before either of them had the chance to think of anything to say, they both noticed an observer. Azula stood a small distance away, her arms crossed. The expression on her face told Mai everything she needed to know, Azula had seen the whole thing. The princess was smiling, her eyes sparkling. Mai wordlessly turned away from Zuko, unwilling to show Azula more of her heart than she already had. Zuko apparently felt the same way, he got up and left quickly, his face red. He was probably too embarrassed to face his sister now.  
Secretly, Mai was glad she gave him the rock so subtly, it was a part of them together that Azula couldn’t touch with the knowing smirks and pointed comments that were sure to come._ _

__If Mai had known at the time, that their moment under the tree was the last moment she and Zuko would share together for the next three years, she wouldn’t have cared about Azula. Instead, she would have made the most of the little time they had. But no amount of regret would reverse time and bring the moment back. No amount of wondering about what could have been would give them more time together. She hadn’t even known Zuko was wounded and banished until the ship carrying him and his uncle had already departed._ _

__When Mai heard he was leaving she ran down to the docks as fast as she could, but it was too late. Mai was only in time to watch the ship move away in the distance, she stayed until it disappeared from sight entirely, in what was to be the only time she let herself cry about Zuko's departure, letting her tears fall into the ocean._ _

__All Mai had left of Zuko after that were memories of their fleeting moments, and Azula’s gruesome description of what their father did to him ringing in her ears._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta read by [Rowan](http://archiveofourown.org/users/pootje/pseuds/pootje)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been ages since I updated this fic and I apologize. My original idea for this story had to be altered and I wasn't sure how to proceed. I hope it's still enjoyable. 
> 
> The first chapter took place before the first episode of the series. This one takes place during the third season right after the invasion during the eclipse, hopefully it's not too confusing.

Life was looking up for Mai lately, even she couldn’t deny it. Her usual gloomy demeanor had suffered slightly under the recent events, but for once, she couldn't complain. For the first time in what had been a long time, Mai felt happy and complete.

It was a very Ty Lee thing to think, feeling complete because of a boy, but there was no other way to describe it. Prince Zuko as back where he belonged, back in the Fire Nation, back at her side. It wasn't just her mood that had improved, his had as well. He had been uncertain when they first returned, but now he felt more at ease, more at home.

Still, the boy she saw every day now was very different from the boy that had left her behind on the docks, leaving on an impossible quest. She knew she had changed too, but  something in Zuko was entirely different from the boy he had been. Something had turned darker, more introspective. Mai could tell he was holding a lot of his thoughts back, not telling them even to her. She knew that it wasn't fair of her to expect everything to be as it had been. He had been scarred and banished, he still felt misplaced guilt over leaving his uncle and doing the right thing, it was natural.

There was also a part of her that liked the darker side he now showed. She had fallen for a cheerful, kind prince when she was a young girl, and he was still that boy at heart, but the man he had become was appealing in his own way. Just thinking of getting to spend more time with him later filled her with an uncharacteristic giddy happiness. If any other girl had acted like this, she would have despised her on principle, but Mai couldn't bring herself to care about that now. She could even brush off Azula's teasing, stinging words in a way she hadn't been able to before. Zuko was hers, and after they won the war, they would have all the time in the world.

Winning the war seemed inevitable, especially now that the Avatar's invasion plan had failed so spectacularly the day before. The eclipse had weakened their firebenders, but it hadn't stopped them from overpowering the Avatar and his rebel group. She had yet to speak to Azula, but the gossip was that she had fought the Avatar during yesterday’s eclipse and won, again. Mai didn't doubt it. It had surprised her to see the Avatar alive after what Azula had done to him, he wouldn't survive a third encounter, she was certain.

Azula was probably expecting her, eager to talk about her victory, to lord it over her that she had been with Ty Lee and the rest of the city in hiding. Something about Mai's newfound happiness seemed to have awakened an urge in the princess to squash it down, to dampen her mood a little just to see if she could. Mai was not in the mood for it, and she was sure Ty Lee was with Azula at this exact moment, listening to whatever she had to say with enthusiastic intensity. It had to be enough for the princess for now, Mai had someone else to see.

She hadn't been able to have a moment with Zuko since before the war meeting he'd thought he hadn't been invited to. When she had let slip that it was happening and had watched his expression change from happy to betrayed, she had wanted to kick herself. She had assumed Zuko was invited, which turned out to be correct after all. Mai herself had little interest in what was said in meetings like that, but she knew Zuko did and she hoped he had succeeded in his role as crown prince.

The night before that meeting was clear in her mind. They had spent it together, laughing and talking, and she desperately needed another moment like that. The intense want to see him scared her slightly, but it also thrilled her.

Before going to the palace to meet him, Mai stopped at her own place. They had only just left the underground bunkers after the soldiers and guards had made sure the city was completely safe, and she needed a change of clothing. Besides, there was always a chance that Zuko would meet up with her there, he seemed to prefer it to the palace sometimes, the relative peace and quiet must be attractive to someone who was always watched and always followed by guards.

It was the moment she saw the rolled up scroll on her bed that she knew things were about to change again, the same feeling came over her that had crashed over her like a wave all those years ago when Zuko had been banished. She didn't know the exact words that he had written down so carefully the night before as she started unrolling the scroll, but a part of her deep inside already knew that it was the end of her happiness. The end of these wonderful weeks that had seemed like a dream. These words would turn them into just that, a dream, something she had thought was reality when it hadn't been. A fantasy come to life, but only for the briefest of moments.

This feeling deep down failed to protect her from the blows of each word as she read it, however, and it wasn't long before her eyes were swimming with tears. He had left her again, left her behind in the same place he had last time. But this time, he'd had a choice. He wasn't banished, he wasn't unfairly punished for a childhood mistake, he was committing treason with both his eyes open. The words on the page made no sense to her. This couldn't have been Zuko, he couldn't have left to join the Avatar of all people, leaving behind his birthright by choice. It wasn't him, it couldn't be him. But it was. She knew it in the way he wrote her name, the way he apologized for leaving her but not for what he was doing, not for his treason. She thought she had known him, she thought she had known what was important to him and that it was the same as what was important to her, and she had been wrong.

By the third time reading it, Mai had memorized the letter. That didn't stop her from reading it a fourth and fifth time, it only meant that after she had crumpled the letter up and thrown it against the wall with all her might, the words still rang in her ears. Zuko's words, the ones he hadn't had the courage to say out loud

The first time he had left her, she had been angry at everything and everyone for failing him, for making him leave, for hurting him. This time, all her anger was directed at him. There was nobody else she could blame, except maybe herself.

Because there was a small part of her that felt like maybe, just maybe, Zuko hadn't trusted her at all. He could have told her he was going to leave, could have said goodbye in person before running off to betray the country he had fought for, but he hadn't. Had he simply thought she would be too hard to reach while hiding, or had he been certain she would have betrayed him to Azula the moment his intent was clear? The worst part of that question was that even she wasn't sure what she would have done. Would she have let him go? Part of thought she wouldn't have, she would have found a way to stop him, but she also knew that she wouldn't have betrayed his intentions to Azula even to keep him close. It would have been as good as killing him on the spot.

There was a tiny part of her that acknowledged that it wasn't that she had wanted him to say goodbye in person, or even that she had wanted him to stay just for her when he clearly had were reasons beyond her comprehension for doing what he did. What she wanted, she thought bitterly as she looked at the crumpled scroll on the floor of her bedroom, was the choice to follow him this time. She didn't believe in his cause, she didn't think it was a path he should have taken, but if he did, he should have explained it to her, he should have given her the chance to support him and be at his side.

But those were traitorous thoughts, and she banished them. She let herself fall back onto her bed and allowed her tears to flow just for this moment, just for a little while.

That is how Azula found her, a few hours later, silently staring up at the ceiling of her bedroom. By then, thankfully, the tears had dried, but the despair must still have been clear on her face because Azula looked faintly pleased.

"He's gone." Mai said unnecessarily. Azula must have known since the day before, she must have known for hours. She could have told Mai, and hadn't.

"He is." Azula admitted. "He got away."

It hadn't even occurred to Mai that he could have been captured on his way out, that he could have been imprisoned. The traitor part of her that was loyal only to him was happy with the idea, he might be gone, but he was safely away from his father and sister. Another, darker part of her was disappointed that she couldn't throw the letter in his face in a dark prison cell.

She didn't know which part was truly her anymore.

"It seems like he didn't take you all that seriously, if all you get is a letter." Azula said, her tone of voice on the verge of sympathetic, despite the stinging words.

Mai said nothing, but the words hit her in the same way they used to when they were kids. She found she could still hide the hurt easily, and was glad.

Her lack of response didn't seem to bother Azula. She smiled. "Let me know when you realize you're lucky, he's always been a traitor, it was time you saw it." With that, she turned away and left the room again, leaving Mai alone to wonder what the truth was, why Zuko would risk all this, why she felt so conflicted, and when, if ever, she would get to see him again.

  



End file.
